Saturday, September 02, 2006

Movie Review: Superman Sucks

Uh, I guess the title is actually Superman Returns, but my version seems more apropos.

Other than the cool opening scene, where Supe catches a plane in a baseball stadium, the most exciting parts were the five races to the bathroom I had with my son. (Yes, he had to piss five times during the movie.)

There are about two scenes in the movie where he acts like Superman, and about 38 scenes where he acts like Lois Lane's pouty, jilted boyfriend. (Waaaaah - I disappeared without a word for five years, and now you're banging someone else, my life sucks so much.)

Kevin Spacey would have made a great Lex Luthor, if his character had a single interesting thing to say. Lois Lane's flame has as much screentime, and he's a real dynamic character. Actually, he's not. No one is. It has all the deep romance, subtle emotions, and unexpected twists of a Sweet Valley High novel (not that I'd know first hand, I swear!)

Wow, Lois Lane is pissed that he left without a word (duh) then he takes he for a flying tour of the city, and she's in love again (duh) and oh look, the kid that she swears isn't his just threw a piano across the room (duh) and OH MY FUCKING GOD WHEN DOES IT STOP PLEASE MAKE IT STOP GOD MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND What's that son, you have to go to the bathroom again? Let's race!

On a side'd you like to be the dude competing with Superman for a chick's love? I'm pretty sure I'd cut my losses and start casting my line in a different stream. I mean yeah, he can fly, and bullets bounce off him, and he lives in a crystal palace at the North Pole, and he could probably have sex for three days straight, but I, uh, I can...uh...yeah...have a nice life and stuff.


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