Music gives you AIDS!

A new study finds a link, for young men, between listening to certain types of music and contracting AIDS.

I'm not sure what's funnier...the fact that someone actually bothered to do this study, and then publish the results...or the hilariously predictable results.

The first killer genre is gospel music. More proof that the surest way to screw up your kid is to never talk about sex, or better yet, teach them that sex is shameful. Kids of religious parents, who go to church and listen to gospel music, are far less likely to buy and use condoms (go figure).

The second killer genre is techno. Shockingly, there is a correlation between prancing around on a dance floor to sissy music and getting fucked up the ass. I never would have guessed, but luckily, science is there to point these things out.

While it is entertaining, I can't think of a single useful action to be taken as a result of this study. What new insight does this give us? How can we use this knowledge to prevent the spread of AIDS? I'd love to see more warning labels on CDs (WARNING: This music is known to increase desire for having your anus bruised by a cock. The FCC recommends that you listen to this only while staring at naked women.)

Maybe we need to change some lyrics. Include subtle safe-sex messages in gospel music (Angels we have heard on high/Screaming out with legs spread wide/Singing praises to the sky/A sheathed Johnson between their thighs) while encouraging heterosexual techno hits like Pussy Tastes Better Than Ass.

Seriously though, DMX on the iPod won't make you straight, and listening to NIN won't encourage you run to the drugstore to buy condoms (although it may lead to suicide, which has the fortunate side effect of slowing the spread of AIDS.) So what the hell is the point of this research again?

Another breakthrough study found that slapping your wife around in front of your kid may encourage aggressive behavior from your kid as well. Wow. My knees tremble in the presence of such breaktaking scientific genius. Finally, a reason to stop beating my wife.

Coming soon: a study that demonstrates a correlation between stab wounds and blood loss.