Saturday, January 02, 2010

New Year's Day Bowl Wrap

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Leading 44-17 with just over 8 minutes to play, the Gloriously Wonderful Tim Tebow, sporting eyeblack reading EPH 2:8-10, lined up under center and threw deep. After completing the pass, and extending his own personal record for yardage in a BCS game, the Bible-Verse-Wearing Tim Tebow clapped his hands together like a 'gator, and encouraged the crowd to cheer loudly for this lack of sportsmanship. Three plays later, the team of Son-of-a-Preacher-Who-Spends-His-Summers-Ministering-To-The-Less-Stupendous Tim Tebow was in the end zone, celebrating a 51-17 lead and the complete humiliation of an inferior opponent.

Jesus would be proud.

Meanwhile, weasel coach Brian Kelly sat triumphantly in Notre Dame headquarters, watching his former team immolate while altar boys massaged his feet and lit his cigars with burning $100 bills.

And finally, the collective media fellatio of Tim Tebow comes to an end. Now He can move on to the NFL, where He'll attempt to reach his potential as a mediocre fullback. Tebow's not a QB; he doesn't have anything resembling NFL mechanics, and for all the talk you'll hear about Vince Young and the Wildcat and His potential as a QB, the NFL player He most closely resembles is Jim Kleinsasser. Never heard of him? He's been in the NFL for 10 years, as a FB/H-back/TE for the Vikings, and Tebow could absolutely fill a similar role. But He'll never be a QB, so let's just stop pretending now.

Do I sound bitter? I am. The undeserved accolades and hypocritical hero-worship of Tebow have been so incredibly over-the-top for years, that I feel nothing for Him but scorn. Pehaps it's unfair to direct it towards Him, instead of the media machine that created Him, but nevertheless I'm rooting for someone to find Him facedown in a pile of His own vomit, with needles in His arms and a giant purple dildo shoved in His ass.

Penn State nearly pulled defeat from the jaws of victory, almost serving as a case study for why you shouldn't attempt field goals from inside the five yard line. But the most noteworthy thing about that game were the horrible field conditions. It's embarrassing to play a game on that chewed up grass and mud with millions of dollars in sponsorship, ticket sales, and TV contracts at stake. Granted, it would have been fun as hell to be a player, but if you're looking for an entertaining contest between skilled athletes, the High Interest Rates Bowl did not deliver. As long as we're going to host these sham bowls on neutral sites, we could at least choose decent fields with modern-day drainage systems and a grounds crew that covers the fucking field with a tarp during pre-game thunderstorms. But PSU won, beating a quality SEC opponent, so I can't complain too much. They still won't get any national love...but then again, they don't have a baby-faced white QB with biblical bullshit on his face.

Interesting graphic during the game showing JoePa's five undefeated seasons, more than any other coach at a major school. What they didn't mention: One national championship in those five seasons. But who needs a playoff, right?

Another Big Ten team should have won against the SEC, but Northwestern just couldn't stop making mistakes...and in spite of throwing five picks and missing multiple kicks, they ended up just two yards short. Still, a nice day for the Big Ten as OSU handles Oregon as well.


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