Vote for me! I'm even stupider than you are

Dear Republican masses,

I'd like to talk to you about your candidates for president. Exactly one of them (McCain) actually polls ahead of Hillary in a two-way competition, and only one other (Giuliani) even shows signs of life against her. And yet the top two candidates in recent Iowa polls are Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, who are only slightly more electable than W. would be if he was legally allowed to run for a third term.

Oh, I know that those crazy secular bastards (McCain and Giuliani) aren't pounding the stump with their faith...I know they might be tempted to fund life-saving stem-cell research or, heaven forbid, allow gays to collect each others' pensions...but please consider the alternative.

True, Romney passionately professed his faith in Jesus last night, in a desperate attempt to prove to Republican evangelicals that he's every bit as stupid as his creationist opponent. "You think it takes faith to believe that the Earth is only 6000 years old?" Romney reportedly said. "That God planted dinosaur bones in the ground to test our faith? Well, try believing that a convicted con-man and child rapist found golden plates inscribed with heavenly secrets that God left out of the Bible. Try believing that Jesus, when he comes back to Earth, will rule from Independence, Missouri instead of Jerusalem. It takes even more faith to swallow bullshit like that!"

It must be incredibly comforting to think of succeeding the "I talk to God" president with an even more religious, anti-intellectual goofball. But don't be fooled...flexing your evangelical muscle during the primary will only serve up the White House to Hillary on a silver platter. Four years of oil-company taxation and nationalized health care is the type of medicine guaranteed to extend the hospital stay of our already ailing economy.

Try to think rationally for once. Try to consider the logical consequences of your actions, and choose the path that leads closest to your goals. No wait, never mind, that never works. Instead, just blindly believe this: I talked to God last night, and he wants us all to vote for Rudy.