Movie Review: Salt

It should come as no surprise to anyone, especially an idiot like me who forked over $9 to watch it, but Salt sucks.

The problem isn't that it's a formulaic action movie, I watch and enjoy those all the time. Critically declaimed^* flicks like XXX, Resident Evil, and AvP weren't more intelligent or better acted, but they were far more entertaining. Salt managed to bore me at a breakneck pace. There was lots of action, lots of explosions, plenty of slow-motion, cutaway fight scenes, and a ponderous score to accentuate the gravity of Salt's gymnastic ass-kicking. Yet none of it was even remotely interesting, cool, or funny.

Ok, there's a dungeon scene at the beginning where Angelina Jolie is chained up in just her panties and a bra. That was both interesting and cool. I'll have to keep a closer look out for Leonardo di Caprio, because I'm sure that scene was stolen straight from my dreams. But after that, nothing.

By making agent Evelyn Salt such a mystery (sort of), the writers offer no opportunity to identify with her. We're not sure why she's doing anything, so it's hard to care if she succeeds or fails. Without knowing if she's an evil double-agent, or a secretly good triple-agent, it's impossible to root for or against her. Without an emotional attachment to any characters, I couldn't suspend my disbelief and look past the ever-growing pile of plot preposterousnesses⁺.

And for chrissakes, the lead role is Angelina Jolie. This black thing is the sexiest outfit she wears in the entire movie (aside from the quick dungeon scene, of course.) Every other outfit is even less revealing. Jolie has done a few serious projects (which I haven't watched) and for all I know she might have legit acting creds. But she's not making $20 million a film becaue she's the next Meryl Streep, she's making that coin because she's one of the sexiest women in the world...and you'd never know from watching Salt. She's never asked to look or act sensually, so even as pure eye candy she can't elevate a wretched script to watchability (see: Wanted.)

So don't go see Salt. Don't Netflix it. Just forget it ever happened, as I will twenty minutes from now.

^*Of course "declaimed" isn't a word. But what's a good antonym for acclaim in the phrase "critically acclaimed"? Critically berated? Jeered? Vituperated? None of them have the same ring as "critically declaimed". Hey, if Sarah Palin can make up words, I can too.

⁺No, that one's not a word either. But say them both out loud: "pile of plot implausibilities" vs. "pile of plot preposterousnesses"...it's not even a fucking contest.